I am, in fact, alive! The family drama is through the flipping roof! And I went on vacation for a week, so I haven’t been around so much.
I want to talk more, but I am really sleepy. So, I’m gonna turn the lappy off and pay attention to Twilight (I’m listening to the commentary with KStew, RPattz and CHart (ok that one just sounds lame)) and knit of course.
Seeya!
Well, obviously by that title this post probably won’t be too happy. However, in the hopes that all of my troubles will magically go away, I start with the happy stuff.
First off, meet Miss Elinor Rigby Dashwood:
Or since that is an awfully long name for such an itty bitty kitty, Ellie will suffice. She just joined our family on Friday and has successfully wiggled her way into our hearts.
Next up, would be school, which is going pretty well. I like paralegal. I’ve missed a couple of classes though due to the drama that’s supposed to be magically disappearing right now, so I don’t think my professor is very happy with me.
Next is knitting. Wow, I haven’t posted knitting in ages. Well, let’s start with stuff I’ve finished.
Socks that were meant for me, but Aunt Beth showed particular interest as I was knitting them up:
Yarn: Collinette Jitterbug
Pattern: Jitterbug Ballband Pattern
Mitts that were a belated X-mas present to my brother’s gf Brittany:
Yarn: My own handspun
Pattern: Modified Maine Morning Mitts
Mitts for a friend of my mom’s:
Yarn: Malabrigo
Pattern: Maine Morning Mitts (I fell in love with this simple pattern, it was perfect for last minute x-mas presents)
Snowmen, knit up on Chirstmas Eve for my Aunt Sue who is OBSESSED with Snowmen:
Yarn: Mix of Iron Horse Farm Mohair and Icelandic blend, handspun, and Malabrigo
Pattern: ummm I’ll have to get back to you.
Those are the finished ones and here are my WIPs:
First, the Mystic Star Shawl KAL, that’s only Clue 1, I have to sit down and do Clue 2 and 3. The second is the second of my Blackrose Socks, renamed to the Bad Wolf Socks because of all the Rose references (pattern name: Blackrose, colorway name: Gothic Rose) and the Tardis in the background of that specific picture. The third is my mom’s Shoalwater Shawl that I’ve been working on since before Christmas, but and almost done with.
I also joined a sock club last night at my knit night. It’s the first one Debbie, my knitting mentor, has been able to host since she got very sick. It was very nice to see her again and see that she was doing well.
I’ve also booked a much-needed vacation to Georgia to visit the grandparents. I am so close to them and although, I only saw them about a year ago, it was for a very last-minute long weekend to visit the colleges I was accepted to near them, so much of my visit was spend in the car. This time, I’m flying down on March 13 and flying back on March 23! That’s a whole ten days! It’s my Spring Break from school, so imgine how surprised I was to find tickets for less than $200 roundtrip. I’m thinking about renting a car while I’m down there to make a visit to Nashville to visit one of my friends that moved there about a year ago.
I’ve also replaced my iPod recently, with a new red 16 gig iPod Nano. Mine finally died its last death, this was a bit of a downgrade, gig-wise, but honestly, do I need all of my audiobooks all of the time, or at least all of the sequels? Oh, and I bought a beautiful pair of pointy-toed pumps marked down by my bff at Macys. One of my members from the credit union works there, so I say there’s a dent in the leather and he marks them damaged and voila my $90 shoes turn into $70 shoes. Which still seems steap, but these babies are worth it. CK, black leather, pointy-toed, kitten healed pumps! Gorgeous!
So, I think I’ve finally gotten through all the good… now onto my family drama. Well, my brother’s been cutting and we think my dad might be cheating on my mom. *Not having to do with the psychic!* I swear. But my brother found a cellphone in my dad’s desk that didn’t look familiar. We poked through it and found a whole 5 phone numbers, the entries were only initials and the text from K was “I love you!” I’m still digging around. I believe it could definitely be true, but I don’t want to make an already precarious family situation worse by making such awful accusations, without being 100% sure.
mental breakdown
mental breakdown
mental breakdown
Oh how I hate this holiday
Every freaking year
I do NOT want to go out tomorrow night. And I most certainly don’t want to go out with the Romanian tomorrow night. He’s just fine. Honestly, I’ve barely seen him since my last post. And when I have he’s been very pleasant. However, today I got about ten missed calls and a voicemail. I can’t deal with this. I officially hate being set up.
That’s just adding to my regular yearly mental breakdown that begins the day before New Year’s Eve. Last year it lasted about two weeks. However the fact that I was reading New Moon for the first time at the time defintely added to that particular depression.
I can’t handle this. I have to work tomorrow and I want to call out soooo badly. I can’t. I know I can’t, but I want to. I just know Joe is going to come in (pray tell, why do you come into work almost everyday during your vacation?) and bring the Romanian and he’ll annoy me at work and Joe will be like “he’s very sensitive, why were you avoiding his calls, are you going to take him to your party and First Night tonight?” And I might flip out. I honestly don’t know if I can take it. All the meddling and all the clinging. I just can’t deal.
Seriously, I want a boyfriend. I want somebody to kiss at midnight. Honestly, I do. But I want it to be someone I pick out. I want to be happy.
Totally snagged from Sassenach.
Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:
1. “I quit.” to my boss
2. “I want to move out.” to my parents
3. “Would you like to go get a coffee with me sometime?” to my work-crushes
4. “You’re a spoiled rotten brat sometimes.” to my brother
5. “I know I seem ungrateful sometimes, but I love you.” also to my parents, but on a different day.
6. “Bite me, I’m yours!” to Edward Cullen, fictional characters count right?
7. “Work really sucks without you.” to my best friend
8. “I’m sorry I was such a bad student, that wasn’t me, that was just a really bad time.” to my RWU profs
9. “I might seem like a slacker, but I just need to be motivated. This time I promise to try harder.” to my future FSC profs
10. “I wish you could understand why I am the way I am.” to almost everyone.
Nine Things About Myself:
1. I become obsessive when I get into something, just take a look at the list.
2. I’ve been practicing meditation everyday for about a week now.
3. I love yoga.
4. I meditated in Savasana (corpse pose) last night and fell asleep, which means I’m not sleeping enough.
5. I am overly shy and often come off as stuffy or even bitchy cause I can’t talk to people.
6. I am very cynical. So much so that it is affecting my career.
7. I’m trying to write a novel.
8. I very recently determined that I am pagan.
9. I hate to shower. Obviously, I do it, but it feels like a waste of time sometimes.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Buy me yarn.
2. Take me out to eat.
3. Discuss a book with me.
4. Buy me flowers.
5. Have goals.
6. Take a yoga class with me.
7. Go hiking with me.
8. Let me be myself.
Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. Am I going to be paying for school forever?
2. Am I ever going to move out of my parents’ house?
3. Are my parents ok?
4. I need a social life.
5. Am I ever going to finish this project?
6. How can I be a nicer person?
7. Can I go back to sleep? Please?
Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1. Turn off the computer and any other electronics in my room.
2. Check that all the doors are shut.
3. Get everything organized and ready for the next day.
4. Set the alarm.
5. Meditate.
6. Read.
Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1. Mom
2. Dad
3. Charles
4. My friends
5. My pets
Four Things You’re Wearing Right Now:
1. Underwear
2. A pink tank
3. Jeans
4. Um, jewelry?
Three Songs That You Listen to Often (Currently):
1. Does the Batman Theme Song count?
2. Elton John – Benny and the Jets, I can’t get it out of my head!! And every time I think of it, I wanna sing and dance on a bar like in 27 dresses
3. any ABBA cause I saw Mamma Mia!
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Write a novel.
2. Travel all over the world.
One Confession:
I push people away because its easier than being nice and there’s less risk of getting hurt, but now I regret having a reputation for being bitter, angry and antisocial. I wish people could recognize me for the nice person I can be instead of constantly thinking about what a bitch I am. And lately, I’ve been trying so hard to do exactly that, show them that I can be a good person and then I have one bad moment, not even day, and I see the eyes roll and the murmers: “Watch out, Jamie’s in another one of her moods.” And then the cynical jerk in me asks “Why even bother?”
*sigh*
Life’s back to normal. I went back to work yesterday. Everyone liked my new look and I supposedly look like I’ve lost weight. They were joking around and asking if I lied and went away to a spa instead.
Today was fun cause I got to work with Lynne all day. I hate Mondays and Wednesdays cause she doesn’t work and I’m stuck with Them (the two I don’t like). So today was fun cause I had my partner in crime with me, but yesterday… yesterday was awful. With the except of my crush coming for a couple hours to fix the Cash Recycler, it was really bad. I was alone with Them, I had to count money by hand, cause Herc was down and I haven’t had to do that in ages, so I was a little rusty. And then this guy brought in about 150 savings bonds to cash. Seriously. I hate savings bonds. Unless you use them correctly, which nobody ever does, they are useless. This guy did it right though, he ended up getting back over $12,000. Seriously. Not that that made me like them any better. There is just a lot of work involved in cashing them out. And I did it all. Surprise, surprise. So, despite the fact that Nils, the crush, barely comes to our branch unless we break Herc, the Recycler, and despite the fact that my new hair looked cute and I dressed really nicely (all cause Lynne warned me that she broke Herc, so Nils would be there on Monday), despite all that, I was stressed and busy, so I had no time to flirt. That is if I knew how to flirt. I really don’t know how. Not with a stranger, or at least, not with a stranger in a professional atmosphere who is relationship material. I can flirt with friends and I can flirt with strangers that I don’t see going anywhere. Not that either of those have happened within the past… year+. We’re not going into that. I’m gonna stop now.
Tomorrow’s Halloween and I have no plans. I was supposed to go to Salem, but that fell through. I could go into Boston, but I don’t really want to push it cause I’ve been exhausted at the end of the work day. Not to mention, I don’t have a costume. I’m pretty good at the spontaneous ones, but still. If I went into the city, I would have to see my friend’s boyfriend and I really don’t like him.
At work, we have a Hawaiian theme. We stayed late tonight and decorated. It looks awesome. And I get to wear… JEANS tomorrow. Jeans at the bank! Its a freaking miracle! I still have to get some things together for some last minute decorating and find a Hawaiian-y shirt, so I’m gonna get started on that and then get to bed.
I have cast on two new socks today and made a lot of headway on the baby blanket. One pair of socks in Trekking and one pair in leftover Lisa Souza for baby socks! They are so cute! I’ll take pictures once there’s a little more than an inch of cuff, lol. Oi, its 1 am. I need to go to sleep. I guess I probably won;t be making it to the gym tomorrow. Too bad, too, I really need it.
First Psych class tomorrow night.
Things are still silent on the Derek front and I’m really saddened by it. I think I might call him tomorrow night, when my head isn’t fuzzy from medicine. I know he doesn’t believe it, but I really only asked cause I’m spacey. I asked him if he ever cheated on me when we were dating. I can’t help that ever since he cheated on his current girlfriend with me that I would doubt his faithfulness back when we were dating. To make things worse, he is still under the impression that I cheated on him with Danny. Cause he thought we were only on break, but I thought everything was over. Drama, drama, drama. I even told him that if his answer was yes, he did, I don’t know if I would have the right to be mad at him.
Its like my aunt who got divorced over seven years ago to a man who had cheated on her. She is still bitter. Understandable, except that it was her ex-husband second marriage because she had been his other woman during his first. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I understand that she was mad and sad and allllll that, but seriously, she thought he only cheated for her?
I’ve put a lot of thought into this lately. And vicoden brought it out… out loud. I swear this stuff is worse than drunk dialing.
So, I really know how to put my foot in my mouth. If I ever want to be with Derek again, I’m screwed.
I’m high on painkillers for the stabby-pains. I had another attack today, so I’ve been heavily medicated.
And it’s bringing out my worst qualities.
So, I went to the ER today for those nasty, stabby cramps again. They woke me up at 1 am last night and I took 4 Advils and finally got back to sleep. I really should have gone then when the pain was really bad, but I was half-asleep and felt like I couldn’t call out of work, cause we were short staffed.
I am horrible at keeping a blog, I really am. Lets see… I’ve decided to be a nicer person. I realized that when I say I’m a mean person all the time, even if I’m just kidding, it really starts to happen. Blame it on that self-fulfilling prophecy stuff. I used to be a really nice person, so nice that I let people walk all over me all the time. I made that realization right around the time Derek and I broke up and Danny told me that I was too dependent on men. So, I vowed that I would become stronger and more independent. However, I just turned cold. Its been about a year and a half now and I am an Ice Queen: I rarely go out, all of my friendships have gone downhill, I have a horrible attitude, and I’m ridiculously lonely.
There has to be a happy medium.
I met somebody. I met him on OKCupid. The site creeps the hell out of me, but it worked well for one of my friends, so I did it anyways. After being on the site for a couple of months and talking to people online, I finally decided to meet one of the normal ones in person. He’s a nice enough guy, but I am not even a little bit interested in him. “Beggars can’t be choosers” can bite my ass, cause I’d rather be alone and bored and almost miserable than in a stale, passionless relationship.
I was talking to Lynne the other day about Derek. She said, very politely, but pointedly, “You’re not over him, are you?” I stopped and thought about it for a minute and answered, “No, and I probably never will be. Thats just how I am.” Its pretty true. I fall and I fall hard and I never really get over it.
This is probably way too melodramatic, but I feel like the past two or three years have been really hard for me. Life will always have its ups and downs, but lately the downs have been outnumbering the ups. My Grmmy broke her hip this morning. She’s getting old and its scary. She’s 87 and I still think of her as my Grammy that lived by herself and was strong and independent and took care of me on weekends that my parents worked. Her dementia is hitting me really really hard. I know the ups and downs are probably about even. Deep down I know it, but lately, its just been so hard. And when it gets like this, its so hard to remember the good too. All I can think about is the bad. For three years all I can think of is bad, hard, horrible events: Grammy getting hurt today and getting sick two years ago, when her health started speeding downhill, my mom’s aunt dying last week, Derek and I breaking up a year and a half ago, my dad being fired two years ago, Danny, leaving me for his ex right after Derek and I broke up, failing all of those classes and dropping out of RWU two years ago… the list can go on and on and if I don’t get out of this funk and start thinking about the good, it will. That can’t happen. I’ve let all that steam out, now I have to start thinking of the good. Discovering a passion for knitting and spinning, meeting Lynne and having a partner in crime at work, going off of antidepressants, meeting Derek and having fun while it lasted, and then once we got over the breakup, having a good friend I can count on for the rest of my life, all of the fun I’ve had with my friends, going to concerts and bars and Harry Potter parties, lol.
Good. Positive attitude. Its what I need. Good things happen to good people.
